My marriage is healthy – except for my wife’s total refusal to touch me

I don’t want sex, I just long to be cuddled. But she continues to reject any such suggestion, and my resentment is growing

After years of no sexual intimacy with my wife, I am now craving the comfort of somatic connection. Not actual sex, but simply cuddling and being held close while nude. But my wife has refused. I have suggested we try “progressive desensitisation” therapy, which would involve lying down together, with one item of clothing removed, but with no physical contact. We would build from there in the knowledge that this would not lead to sexual contact. My wife, when I suggested it, was not at all interested in this, and in fact, she was actively opposed.

She told me the problem was in my head and that she had zero interest in physical intimacy. She also said that this was normal for older women. I told her it was my impression that older people actually craved appropriate physical touch. She then agreed that I could just lie in her bed fully clothed before retiring to my own bedroom. But this was just awkward and humiliating for me, because it was obvious that she was not in the least invested in my presence. So I gave up the idea completely. In every other regard our marriage is healthy. At times, I consider asking her if she could accept my seeking intimacy elsewhere, but I think this would lead to the end of our marriage. I feel trapped – I love my wife but my resentment is growing.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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