My partner won’t pleasure me – and it is making me paranoid

I am happy to give him oral sex, but feel disrespected when he fails to reciprocate. Does this mean the end of our relationship?

I am a 56-year-old widow. My husband died two years ago, and I am now in a long-distance relationship with a 55-year-old man. We have been dating for six months. Our sex life is really good, but he will not give me oral sex. I love pleasuring him but when he doesn’t reciprocate I feel disrespected and as if something is wrong with me. When I broached the subject, he said he wanted to wait to see if we got serious enough for marriage and that he would do it then. He says he has done it in the past without being married so I don’t understand.

I am going to stop giving him oral sex, but I’m afraid this will end our relationship. I know I need to set boundaries but I don’t know how. He is a great cuddler when we sleep and he never takes his hands off of me, which is very important to me. My late husband, who was very disrespectful to me, wasn’t really affectionate unless we were being intimate but he was always happy to give me oral sex. I see myself as a strong woman; I take care of myself and do not look my age, so I’m not sure what is wrong.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.