My boyfriend won’t have sex with me – and says I have to be patient

He doesn’t kiss me or touch me intimately. I am starting to feel self-conscious and worried that I’m just not his type

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months. The first time we were physically intimate it took him almost an hour to just kiss me because he was shaking so much. He hasn’t had physical contact with anyone for four years. He says his last breakup was traumatic. Since then, he has found it hard to maintain an erection, even while watching porn.

When we are together, I touch him and myself and, when I’m close to climax, I give him oral sex so we orgasm together. He doesn’t kiss me any more and doesn’t touch me intimately, apart from my breasts. He says I have to be patient because he hasn’t had sex for years. He cannot understand why he is not able to maintain an erection with me.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.