If toxic humility is a thing, I definitely have it. But perhaps there’s another way | Emma Beddington

We’re taught that modesty is good and pride is bad. This ignores the fact that telling ourselves we’re OK is actually beneficial

What’s your favourite thing about yourself? Stylist’s Love Yourself campaign asked over 400 women that, and published eight pages of their answers. People mostly picked low-key, quite specific stuff – “I can cook something out of nothing”; “I’m really strong”; “I can talk to anyone”; “I’ve got an excellent bum” – and it was lovely, and touching, to see women affirm what they like about themselves. It also felt strange – almost shocking? Stylist called giving yourself a compliment “squirm-inducing” and yes, the thought of doing it myself made me squirm.

I feel something similar when I see people online expressing uncomplicated, justified pride in their achievements or liking who they are out loud – it’s a sort of “is that allowed?” feeling, like the rules have changed and no one told me. If toxic humility is a thing, I definitely have it, because I get a masochistic buzz from self-deprecation, especially when it provokes someone into contradicting me. I have a shopping list of things I hate about myself that I take out and luxuriate in on sleepless nights, but deep down, I don’t actually believe I’m a worthless, irredeemable worm (even typing that feels transgressive!); I do hate the idea of letting anyone know that though.