‘Are you asking for my help to be gay?’: what 40 years as a psychoanalyst has taught me about sex and desire

A married man’s hidden bisexual life; a PhD student’s sideline in sex work; a nun’s fear of pregnancy – over my long career, all have been laid bare in the intimate space of my consulting room

To be human is to be uncertain, conflicted, divided, and yet we grow up in a world that tells us we should feel whole, certain of our sexual desires. Encouraged to see love through the starry-eyed cliches of social media and celebrity news, we’re diverted from asking ourselves the awkward questions: what is my desire? Why is my sexual self as it is?

Psychoanalysis, too, has its own predictable narratives, but when done properly, it does not provide ready answers. Instead it offers a place where two people can be ruthlessly honest, think together, find meaning together. This work can change our understanding of ourselves, and in doing so change our lives.